exhale

Today I spoke to a group of amazing mommies (about 50) at my mops (mothers of preschoolers) group. The title of this post is expressing my sigh of relief to have it over with, but even more so my sigh of awe at God all over again.

My dear friend Amy, who leads the mops group I attend, asked me back in October if I would be interested in speaking the week the topic is "loss". I, without hesitation, said yes. You see, I made a deal with God way back when, that whatever He chose to do with this testimony of mine I would follow. That unfortunately includes speaking in front of people from time to time. I agreed in October and then had 5 months to forget about it. So, these past several weeks I have spent a lot of time in prayer, reminiscing, asking questions of other women who have experienced miscarriages, infant death and infertility (there are a lot of similar emotions) and following up on some unfinished grieving. It has been good for me. With all the hustle and bustle of my life right now, it is very easy for me to fall into the pattern of taking my children for granted. I re-read emails, journal entries, prayer lists I made in the thick of the storm and the recurring theme was...if I am blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a child at the end of a pregnancy, I will be forever thankful. I was blessed x2! Yet, there are days where I flat out forget that. *Shaking head in shame*

I was a nervous wreck to say the least today. My hands were trembling, my mind was racing. Did I mention I HATE public speaking? It went well (or so I was told :) and tonight I had a chance to read through the thank you notes each table wrote. I was a little taken aback by the responses. Women thanking me for my honesty, transparency and vulnerability. I realized I can't NOT be transparent and vulnerable (and emotional) when talking about my babies. I just can't. It is such a core part of who I am now- not how I am defined- but my very being is different because of the brokenness I have felt. For a long time I felt damaged, my body failed me, I failed my babies, then followed guilt, anger, frustration (the list goes on and on) but in speaking today I realized I don't feel that way at all anymore...not even a trace. I feel humbled and thankful.
God isn't interested in my glory; He's interested in using me for His.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you: 1Peter 4:12

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". Mark 11:4

I will sign off with a picture of my living breathing blessings. Nothing worth having comes easy.

My Life is but a Weaving

My life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not 'til the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.