Benjamin Matthew

What a week! I say that with nothing but joy in my voice.

To pick up where I left off Monday morning, we went to St. V's at 1:30, by 3pm they had me in our room and hooked up to the pitocin. My parents and Matt's mom came by to visit and then it was show time. At 5:30 my midwife came in, checked me and I was 4-5cm, 85% and making good progress. I wasn't feeling much pain at this point. She broke my water and predicted 10:20 for delivery. Matt said he cringed the moment she put a time stamp on it. I had that hour, down to the minute in my head from that point on. I thought to myself, I can do this, I can do anything for 5 hours.

So, the contractions came on fast and furious within 20 min of having my water (what very little there was) broke. I labored very calmly on the birthing ball to music for the next 3 hours. Around 8:30 the nurse came in and turned the pit up one more notch. That was where my body began to shut down. Within minutes I went from feeling good, calm and relaxed to nauseous and shaking uncontrollably. She checked me again and said I was still about 4-5 and 85%. I wish I hadn't let her check me. My mind began to get the better of me and an hour or so later I told Matt I couldn't do it anymore and wanted to have the epidural. It was the shaking that was the hardest, it caused me to just lose control of any control I had of my contractions.

So, the anesthesiologist came at 10:50, at this point I am still very focused on each contraction, but the pain was so intense I couldn't talk at all. I just did as they told me and held as still as possible. I was feeling incredible pressure, and I knew I was transitioning, but it was too late, the epidural catheter was in and he was just getting ready to finish me off. So, to sum up, I got my epidural just in time to do nothing! He gave me one dose to start and said it would take a while to catch up with my body. My nurse (whom I LOVED) came in again and all I could muster out between contractions was "pressure, lot's of pressure". So, low and behold I was 9-10cm, 100% thinned and baby was +2!!
The rest is a bit blurry, I remember saying I felt like I was ready, so final check revealed his head was crowning, and I was ready to push. This was the part that stunk, here I was tied to the bed because I had an epidural in, but it was 100% ineffective because of how far I was when I got it. Good news in hindsight because I got to experience the entire process start to finish med free.
I pushed for 7 minutes and he came out so calmly, no crying, they laid him on my chest and Matt said I was looking all over to try to get a glimpse of whether it was a he or she and finally yelled out "it's a boy!". That will forever be our joke because I told matt I wanted him to tell me what it was so he says I stole his thunder :) After about 15 minutes of just holding him and kissing him Matt cut the cord they cleaned him up and he went straight for the boob! Hallelujah!

We went to his first dr appt this morning and he has gained back 5oz already. The nurse watched him feed and told me she had never seen such a fantastic latcher and eater at 5 days old. Can I express what joy this brings me. There have been so many people praying for this so specifically for me and it's just a testament to the fact that God listens and He answers.
Ben is a total chow hound, I have spent the majority of the last 5 days with him on the boob, but I don't mind at all. I am just trying to be very aware that as soon as I can put him down I need to so I can touch and hug and play with Brooklyn.
Speaking of Brooklyn, she did great on Wed afternoon when she and Matt came to pick us up, she was so sweet and gentle. However that night was a train wreck. She was so confused and begged us not to make her go to sleep. Broke.my.heart. She has been so much better with each day that goes by and today has by far been the best. She woke up in a great mood and then she offered her blanky to Ben- huge milestone, as blanky is definitely her security thing during this time. She hasn't let it out of her sight.
I could not be more in love with Ben, Brooklyn or Matt. I am completely humbled at how fortunate I am. Not to mention all our awesome, amazing friends! To say the very least it has been an AMAZING week.
Matt will be home with me all next week as well. Hip hip hooray!
Thank you all for your love, support and prayers over these past months. I cannot believe I have a son to love on this side of heaven. I know Luke will be waiting with great joy and anticipation to have Ben as his brother for life someday in heaven.

induction

So...my appt this morning did not go as planned. Such is life, and I know this very, very well.

My amniotic fluid levels are dangerously low, which can cause concern for a number of reasons, all of which are not important at this point. The decision was made on the spot, we are leaving right after I finish typing this and heading to St. V's for an induction.

I had such hopes and have done so much preparation for a natural, drug free delivery, but alas, it doesn't matter. I just want this baby here safe and sound and I know better than to put my plans ahead of the Lord's. The crazy part of that is that something has felt "off" for a few days now, and I kept attributing it to hormones or whatever, so this morning on my drive to my routine dr. appt I prayed for God to make it crystal clear what HIS plans are, so that I can wait on Him, and roll with the punches. I was mainly preparing myself to hear that I had made no progress and that I would just need to continue to wait patiently. Not the opposite.

So, please keep all of us in your prayers today as we prepare to meet this newest Feenstra. That my body and the baby would take well to the induction and that a c-section would not be necessary (as low fluid levels is a leading cause for that to be the end result).

Love you all. Next update will be with a baby picture!!!

'I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' Psalm 16:8

38

38 weeks today.

Dear baby,

I understand that due to the noise and commotion you have become accustomed to hearing on the "outside" over these past 9 months, aka your big sister, you may be inclined to bask in the warm, cushy waters of my uterus for as long as possible, but I assure you it is safe out here, I promise. I am verrrrry ready to meet you...to see your face, hold your tiny hand, see if you have hair, do you have big cheeks like Brooklyn, are you going to be as big as they tell me, and mostly...are you a HE or a SHE. I am ready for you! My bag is packed, the house is cleaned, birth plan written and I wake up at 5am every morning with butterflies in my tummy wondering if today will be the day. I understand I'm jumping the gun a bit, since technically you are not due for another 2 weeks, but I just wanted you to know how excited I am for you to join our family! Please come soon.

I love you,
Mommy

Dr appt yesterday went okay. The only alarming thing was that my fluid looked borderline low. Basically, barely passed for normal. My dr assured me that she's not concerned...yet. I will be going back on friday at noon to take another look, have another nst (non stress test) and get my membranes stripped again. She did say she does not feel comfortable letting me go past 40 weeks due to my history, the umbilical cord history at Brooklyn's birth and the fluid level, as well as baby's size. I am praying that I will go into labor on my own within the next two weeks, but I will do whatever needs to be done to bring this baby into the world safe and sound, including induction, but would choose to avoid that route if at all possible.

I am really focusing on all the positives, and trying to just be patient, not always my strong suit.

As of yesterday I was 2cm dilated and 75% effaced.

What we've been up to

lately...

We made "towers" out of tupperware, in our underwear of course
Making "beautiful art"

2 year old's idea of painting

Last weekend we took B to Omsi- she loved it

Then we came home and baked cookies, she LOVED mixing the "gredients"

Children's museum- they have a new pet hospital, which was a huge hit

Kali and Brooklyn creating with clay

Then off to visit daddy at work and have french fries at burgerville

She held still long enough (thanks to Calliou) for me to french braid!!

We were reading the book "ears, ears" which prompted the conversation about what our body parts are each used for. "Brooklyn, what is your mouth for? eating!" "Brooklyn, what are your ears for? to hear!" "Brooklyn, what is your nose for? my finger!!" I have not laughed that hard in a while. The kicker is that she was sitting on my lap while Matt and I were asking her these questions only to look down and find her answering the question with her finger in her nose! I have a nose picker people. I think secretly her daddy would be fine if this impolite habit followed her to high school...as that would eliminate the worry about boys ;)

At the dinner table the other night Matt and I were talking and he called me "honey" during our conversation. Brooklyn looked over at me and said "honey, honey, it's okay".

Then on our way home from Grandma's on Thursday I hear from the back seat "umm, mom- I don't want to have dinner, I just want to have french fries". I have to write these things down because they are so funny, the fact that she was assertive enough to tell me that she doesn't want dinner, and to know that what sounds good is french fries!! Cracks me up.

I have been a sappy, emotional mess this past week. I am sure I was the same way in the last weeks of my pregnancy with her (although I don't remember), but it's like it takes over me some moments. Reflecting on how great God is, how miraculous this baby is, how miraculous any pregnancy is! Matt looked at me last night while the baby was literally trying to see how far s/he could stretch in my stomach and said "that is nuts, it is nuts that there is a person who could survive out here moving around in there". Nuts indeed. And crazy cool!!

37 weeks...going on 40

Okay- the stats...

I am 37 weeks TODAY, which means I am full term. Yay!

Baby is measuring 39.1 weeks and 8lbs! Yowzas. Still in the 90th percentile, but, we'll see. They were off by more than a pound with Brooklyn.

I am fully 1 cm dilated, so made a tiny, tiny bit of progress since two weeks ago. She could feel the head, so I guess that's progress! At this rate, most babies gain a 1/2 lb a week, so if I went to term they are thinking this will definitely be a big baby, but we aren't concerned about that, it is what it is. Women much smaller than me have delivered much bigger babies :)

I LOVE my dr. I love, love, love her. She is just an amazing woman, who truly listens to each and every concern and question I have and ultimately she leaves every decision in my hands (within reason). She said if my body has progressed a little further by next monday she would feel completely comfortable stripping my membranes. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but can guarantee I will be by 39 weeks.

I have had several wise women remind me that "they are easier to take care of inside than out" and it is so true. I am not in a hurry, just excited to meet our son or daughter. I want to savor these last days of it being just me and him/her.

Cravings: cheeseburgers and greek salad. mmmmmm.

Getting excited!!! and hormonal. Pray for my precious husband :-)

Buh buh buh

This is the scene that has been running in my head all day. Need I say more?
I really thought this might be the state matt would find me in tonight when he get's home. Thankfully there is a glorious thing called naptime, in which I get some quiet and perspective. So honey, I am sorry for being a little "buh buh buh", she has just worn me out!

Why did no one warn me that the TWO's were so HARD?!!!?

In the words of my little spitfire "oh-me-my-gosh". TGIF is all I have to say!

Yesterday I was so excited to go see her after I got done at the store. I walked into grandma's house expecting a big hug and a smile. Instead she walked right up to me and hit me! Okay?? So, I disciplined and that is where it really began to go down hill. To say the least since yesterday afternoon and off and on all day today there have been multiple tantrums, time outs, bouts of screaming, a lot of "NO's!" and refusing to hold my hand when walking in the street. Basically she has become a full fledged two year old over night.

She has figured out that there is nothing waiting at the other end of 1.2.3, so guess what's on the table for serious discussion at the Feenstra house this weekend? Yup, discipline. Spanking vs time out, punishment vs reward, etc. I have been praying very specifically for guidance in this area for a long time, so God please give me grace, patience and wisdom.

I keep wondering if she is acting out a little sooner than some of her peers because she knows there is a big change on the way. I am learning at a rapid pace that the mother-daughter relationship is an amazing one, but going to be filled with moments like these forever going forward. We are raising a little woman, and I just long for so much for her, but in the end- I can only be a guide and a model, I cannot live her life for her. Talk about pressure! This morning I lost my cool because she was on the floor screaming at the top of her lungs, banging on the floor for a "snack". There are only so many times I can listen to the high pitched wail for a snack before it makes something inside of me- snap! Then I feel awful and ashamed for yelling...because after all, she's only TWO. She just seems so much older at times, that it's easy to forget that, and even harder to manage.

I read a quote the other day that I loved "I want to be who I long for my child to become". So true. I guess that's where grace comes in. Even though I failed miserably today, I get a clean slate whenever I ask for it, and that is amazing. Lord, give me patience and perspective. Amen.

28 days

November is here and the countdown has begun...

I am due 4 weeks from today! Unbelievable. Last night I had my first official 3rd trimester labor dream. Woke up in a cold sweat with my stomach rock hard. I was fully contracting, which was probably a contributing factor to the very vivid dream. And now, here I sit at 11:30pm with insomnia. Can't seem to shut my brain off, despite being so very very tired.

I just can't believe we will be meeting this person in a matter of weeks. It's like Christmas morning and the night before a marathon all rolled into one. I am petrified and excited beyond words...I know this is nothing new, as I have felt this on several occasions throughout the pregnancy, it's just getting more intense now.

Prayers: for safe end of pregnancy, safe delivery, healthy baby, great nurser and sleeper, and a fantastic transition to becoming a family of 4. What? That's not too much to ask for :)

My next appointment is Tues the 8th at 3pm. Final ultrasound and first "official" check of progress. Stay tuned!