exhale

Today I spoke to a group of amazing mommies (about 50) at my mops (mothers of preschoolers) group. The title of this post is expressing my sigh of relief to have it over with, but even more so my sigh of awe at God all over again.

My dear friend Amy, who leads the mops group I attend, asked me back in October if I would be interested in speaking the week the topic is "loss". I, without hesitation, said yes. You see, I made a deal with God way back when, that whatever He chose to do with this testimony of mine I would follow. That unfortunately includes speaking in front of people from time to time. I agreed in October and then had 5 months to forget about it. So, these past several weeks I have spent a lot of time in prayer, reminiscing, asking questions of other women who have experienced miscarriages, infant death and infertility (there are a lot of similar emotions) and following up on some unfinished grieving. It has been good for me. With all the hustle and bustle of my life right now, it is very easy for me to fall into the pattern of taking my children for granted. I re-read emails, journal entries, prayer lists I made in the thick of the storm and the recurring theme was...if I am blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a child at the end of a pregnancy, I will be forever thankful. I was blessed x2! Yet, there are days where I flat out forget that. *Shaking head in shame*

I was a nervous wreck to say the least today. My hands were trembling, my mind was racing. Did I mention I HATE public speaking? It went well (or so I was told :) and tonight I had a chance to read through the thank you notes each table wrote. I was a little taken aback by the responses. Women thanking me for my honesty, transparency and vulnerability. I realized I can't NOT be transparent and vulnerable (and emotional) when talking about my babies. I just can't. It is such a core part of who I am now- not how I am defined- but my very being is different because of the brokenness I have felt. For a long time I felt damaged, my body failed me, I failed my babies, then followed guilt, anger, frustration (the list goes on and on) but in speaking today I realized I don't feel that way at all anymore...not even a trace. I feel humbled and thankful.
God isn't interested in my glory; He's interested in using me for His.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you: 1Peter 4:12

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". Mark 11:4

I will sign off with a picture of my living breathing blessings. Nothing worth having comes easy.

My Life is but a Weaving

My life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not 'til the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

Ben is 3 months old!

Ben is three months old today. We have turned a major corner in the past month with the reflux. He still has "off" days, but for the most part he's outgrown it just like everything I read and our pediatrician told me he would.
He's a big baby, long and solid! His eyes are the same bright blue as Brooklyn's. He is sleeping so much better these days (thank you Lord) so we are all doing better in that department.
Ben is really a pretty easy baby- he prefers to be held- but what baby doesn't. He won't take a bottle at all anymore, so that is a little limiting for me, but I'm okay with it.

What a joy you are Benjamin Matthew. We love you so much and already can't remember life before you rounded out our little family. Thank you for your smiles, giggles, spit bubbles and your heavenly smell.

We love you!!

mommy, daddy and beany

say ahhhhh

I am soooooo in love with this little face

I swear she owns more clothes, she is OBSESSED with this dress. Matt and I were kidding around the other day that she is going to be annoyed with me some day because all her pictures are of her wearing this dress, when it's her little determined personality that wants THIS particular dress on first thing every morning. Pink shirt, red and grey plaid dress, charcoal grey tights with polk a dot socks and of course the gold "shiny shoes". She was on a very important call here and kept saying to me "mom, you don't talk when I'm talking okay?" Ummm, ok ma'am.

She fell asleep with her valentines card from mimi and papa

Brooklyn had her first dentist appointment on Monday. She did great! Well, up until the end, but can't blame her. I don't enjoy the dentist office much myself.

Rockin her shades

She got to pick out her own cool sunglasses and her color toothbrush and stickers! Doesn't get much better. Oh, yes it does. She knew there was a special treat waiting for her in the car once she was done.

So, good news is no cavities, bad news is we have to start flossing. Matt asked if they sent us (her parents) home with a rx for pain killers since just trying to brush her teeth is enough to drive us to drink ;) She realllllly isn't a fan of teeth brushing so I can only imagine how flossing is going to go over.

perspective

Last friday after my ranting post my amazing mil came over to hang with the babes so I could go for a run. and run I did! It felt so incredibly good, and truth be told I ran further than I generally would because I wasn't ready to come back to the reality I ran from in the first place.

I don't have a working ipod right now so I have been running without music. Have you tried this? I think we all get hooked on music to push us through...but there's something spiritual about running in silence. The sounds all around, children playing in backyards, birds chirping, the wind rustling through the trees, even the sound of your feet hitting the pavement can be rhythmic and...soothing. It's my prayer time I suppose. So, I cleared my head while adrenaline charged through my body. I talked to God about all my frustrations and "growing pains" as a still relatively new mommy. I know He already knew my heart and thoughts, but I spoke them again for communion.

The word perspective kept coming to mind. Just keep perspective Lauren. It's all in the way you view your life, your children, your marriage and your choices. Perspective. After 45 min of sweating and fresh air I was ready to come home and see my loves. I got the break I needed.

I walked in the door and Brooklyn came tearing from the other side of the room screaming "mommy" as loud as she could only to trip on the top step and land head first into the wall. Thus unraveling completely all over again. "Perspective". I scooped her up and gave her what she needed, comfort.

Matt had called me earlier to tell me to be ready because he and my amazing sil (who volunteered to watch the kids) had arranged a surprise date night for us. So blessed. So, I showered and got ready for my hot date. Only to leave the house and feel like I was going to be sick within 30 min of being gone. The rest of the night is a painful blurr. We did not really get our date night, instead I got to spend the entire night hunched over the toilet with severe vomiting (and other unpleasantness) yuck. Perspective, it was the thought and incredible gesture that counts. My amazing husband and sister in law love me enough to recognize this mama's need for a respite and for that I am blessed beyond words.

This week is off to a fantastic start. Thank you (you know who you are) who reached out to offer support and told me you're praying for me and gave encouraging words, it has helped immensely. Brooklyn has been a dream today. I have my health back- wahoo- Ben slept almost entirely through the night for the first time last night 8-3:30, and it's valentines day so I'm going to love on my fam all day and night! We're having fresh cracked crab with roasted blue cheese potatoes, ceasar salad with home made dressing and for dessert chocolate chip cookies, per matt and brooklyn's request. mmmm.

loooooooooong week

It has been an AWAFUL week. I cannot express this enough. TGIF because if I had one more day of the constant whining in my ear I really think I might lose it completely. I am not soliciting advice or even looking for sympathy, I am just venting as I would in a journal. My head is literally spinning and I have been hearing phantom crying in my sleep because all Brooklyn has done all week is cry. She was up all night Sat, Sun and Monday last week, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is just catching up on sleep and is still not feeling 100%...but man oh man am I ready for a break. Everything is a fight, negotiation, time out, spanking or 45 min crying match this week. Case in point- she wanted a smart dog for lunch (I was just grateful she made a decisive decision as to what she wanted) so I made it and asked if she wanted dip (ketchup), to which she replied, yes. Got the ketchup out and poured it on her plate- you would have thought I just pulled her hair. She lost it. Broke down into complete hysterics and started screaming that she didn't want dip. The problem here is, I am feeling so worn down that I just wanted the crying to stop, so I was so tempted to just wipe the dip off and try to calm her down, BUT I know that is only going to send a mixed message (that sometimes it's okay to freak out and throw a tantrum, but other times it's not). So....off to time out we went again. Sigh. Rinse and repeat. all.week.long.

I talked to a girlfriend who had a very strong willed first child and she was recalling for me the times that she would have to lock her son in his room and he would be down at the crack of the door screaming to come out and she would just cry on the other side. I hate hearing stories like this because I know exactly how she felt during those moments, but it does help me immensely to hear others have gone through this and made it out with well adjusted kids on the other side. Something she heard in the midst of her journey was "you have to break the will of a strong willed child". Meaning, their will needs to bend to ours, much like our's to God's. Hmmmmm. Makes sense. However, how do you bend the will of a two year old that can't see past their own needs? There in lies the crux of the issue.

Matt is in month two of school, so thursday nights we're on our own. Brooklyn has become very scared of the dark, so bed time has become a bit more challenging, especially on thursdays because the security of having dad there is gone and it truly does affect her. I feel like Friday's are a little harder for this reason, she is fed up with sharing me with ben and she misses her daddy.

Going to go for a nice long run tonight and perhaps a bubble bath.

a good weekend

We started off our weekend making a cake for Grandpa Chuck's birthday. Mmmmm frosting.

Then Ben and I went to Matt's office for a wonderful baby shower that his team threw for us. We were completely spoiled.

Then Friday night was grandpa's party. Brooklyn could not wait for g'pa to blow out his candles so she could eat cake! She is definitely her mother's child...kid loves cake.

I love this picture of Chuck, Matt and Ben. Three generations for Feenstra men. It's amazing how much they all look alike.

Sunday we went to the Tualatin nature observatory and went for a long walk. It was so nice to get out and get some fresh air and spend time as a family. It's easy during winter in the nw to just hunker inside and wait out the rain and clouds, but we need all the exercise and fresh air we can get.

Ben's first superbowl. He looks riveted :)

So, we came home last night from watching the superbowl with great friends and the kids were tuckered. We were all fast asleep when Brooklyn started screaming at the top of her lungs at 11pm "mom, I'm spitting!".

That was the beginning of our night. She spent all night vomiting and had a 101 fever. Lot's of stomach bugs going around. I am so thankful the rest of us seem to be healthy still. She still has the fever, but the vomiting subsided at 7am.

Matt and Warren

popcorn and a movie with daddy is the best!
matt and mini matt
I LOVE this face!!

Brooklyn has learned that mom and dad have names. She now thinks it's hysterical to call us by those names. Last night we snickered in secret every time she did. I was giving her a bath and matt was snuggling ben on our bed, brooklyn poked her head between the cracks of the open door and yelled "hey matt! watcha doing with benny?". I poked my head out and matt was dying laughing but trying to keep a straight face since we want her to call us mom and dad. At dinner she looked at us and said "hey! guys! matt and warren, look at me!". Excuse us, but we are mom and dad to you little girl! She's such hoot.

She was drawing on her chalk board the other night and drew the letter "A" crystal clear. She was SOOOO proud of herself, can you tell? :)

Ben is becoming such a happy baby and is learning how to sleep through the night!!!! Wahooo. The funny thing about all of this sleep scenario is that I prayed so hard for him to nurse and he is a PHENOMENAL nurser, but nursing babies tend to sleep shorter stretches. He goes down around 8 every night and then wakes at between 12:30-1:30 to nurse, then right back down til 4-5. Then he's usually up for the day at 8. We are definitely through the worst of the sleep fog stage. He giggles and smiles all the time and LOVES to watch and listen to his goofy 2 year old sister. I can't wait to watch them grow up together and see what kind of friendship they form.