go with the flow

You know that saying "jack of all trades, master of none"? That is a little how I feel these days, being a parent to a toddler and infant. You see, children, especially small children, need consistency. They long for routine, constants and familiarity. Yet, they themselves are inherently inconsistent. What gives? Their naps are constantly changing, their appetites as well. Interests evolve, their vocabulary, likes, dislikes, etc. etc. etc. This leave me scratching my head some days saying "wait a minute, I thought we were getting a routine down". The challenge for me is feeling like I am balancing everything in both of their lives, while maintaining one of my own at the same time. Tricky.

Lord, let me be teachable. I repeat...again. Much like leaving the toys strewn across the living room floor rather then rushing to put them back in their places only to be pulled out all over again, I am trying to be more flexible and less "in my place". Ok, so complicated metaphor for a simple thought. I want to roll with the punches, go with the flow, RELAX and not freak out with each new curve ball thrown at me. I want to learn from those who have done this before me rather than fudging up all on my own every time.

So, I am giving myself a break today. I am a jack of all trades- human laundry mat, chef (sounds better than cook ;), house cleaner, diaper changer/butt wiper, toddler entertainer, baby rocker, teacher, book reader, wife, friend, daughter, sister- master of none. But I don't need to be. I just need to be the best in the moment and always in prayer when I'm not. I know Brooklyn, Ben and Matt are not going to be grading me on a curve or providing me a report card, so why am I so hard on myself?

rolling along

Wednesday, March 16th at 16 weeks old Ben rolled over (noting this like his baby book so I can remember in time).

I was not expecting it AT ALL. He looked up to check out the tv and just flipped! I was kind of caught off guard because he has not made any effort during tummy time, let alone at rolling over. As the video shows mama was very proud and Benny was equally impressed with himself.

Another big thing happened in our house this week. Last night was Brooklyn's first ever night with out binky! A very close friend pulled the trigger after being scolded by the dentist for continuing binky use and it went relatively well for them, so I decided we were going to jump on that wagon and join them. She actually did great last night. Whined a bit, but was so exhausted from a fun day with friends that she just passed out. She didn't wake up once for it, but that was last night and tonight could be totally different.

We went to dinner at some friends house last night and I knew baby Alexis (our friends Kristin and Bobby's 6 month old) was going to be there, so I asked Brooklyn if she would like to give her binkys away since she is not a baby anymore and Alexis is. The key, I think, was talking about it A LOT. We kept dialoguing about how nice it would be to give her binky to someone who could use it and how much it would mean to Alexis and that in turn it would be a big sign that Brooklyn is a big girl now. I am kicking myself for not getting a picture of her gifting them off. It was adorable. She walked right up to her and said "here Krisin, Alexis can have my binky's because she's a baby". She grinned with pride. Awwww. I think I managed to cram another "secret" lesson about how it is better to give than to receive. That's the sound of me patting myself on the back ;-) kidding of course.

This morning while snuggling in bed with us, Matt and I were praising her for going the whole night without it and she started to cry and said "no, those are brooklyn's binky's...because their mine!" We quickly derailed the converstation about her beloved binks to having cheerios and milk instead.

stages

Some pics from the last couple of weeks...

Papa & Ben

Gram & the kids

Big girl (wearing her "new" sweet kicks)
Lil man

Finally open to the concept of tummy time

B and I painting on the back deck the last day she was sick- we had to get some fresh air!

Do you think he'll be mad at me someday for the pink bath :)

Brooklyn & Brae- these two have more fun than any two people I have ever seen. The Coltons came over for dinner last week and B&B spent a solid hour throwing plastic food down the stairs and then rolling on the floor laughing about it. We all just laughed and laughed, I had almost as much fun watching them as they had being goofs.

Love this!

& this

We continue to roll into new stages on a weekly basis with both kiddos.

Brooklyn is totally into playing "school" "dress up" "tea party". She will get herself all dressed and put things in her purse or back pack and say "okay, bye mom, I'm going to school now". Or "I have to go see my family, bye. Oh oops, sorry, I came back" He he. Not sure what the dialogue means exactly, but it's hysterical to watch. She also loves to do "gynaksticks" :) I love to see her imagination expanding. She is all girl...through and through.

She also calls me sweetie pie or honey quite a bit. The other day I stubbed my toe and yelped in pain, clutching my foot and she ran over, pat me on the back and said "oh sweetie, it's okay, your okay honey". Hi-larious!

We have been working on our "wetters", she can recognize almost every letter in the alphabet, when she chooses to play. Sometimes she'll look up at me and say "MOM! We're working on our wetters".

She is very particular about what she wears (as everyone knows) what you don't know is that she is just as particular about what her shoes are to be called. For instance, someone complimented her tennis shoes the other day (her k swiss tennies) and she yelped back "those aren't my tennis shoes! these are my sweet kicks!" She also has her "shiny shoes" "ballet flats" "minnie mouse shoes" "erik crocs" (don't ask, as we still don't get this one) and finally my favorite, her "glass slippers" which is any pair of mommy shoes.

As for mr. benny boo. He is a party animal during the day. I feel like he doesn't sleep as much as most 3 month olds, but who knows, every baby is different and if it means he sleeps almost through the night I am fine with it. He kind of ebbs and flows with his desire to nurse at night. Like last night he wanted to eat every 3 hours but two nights ago he slept so long I woke up with that panicked feeling (we all know that one). His neck is getting so strong. He prefers to sit in the bumbo over tummy time and his favorite person hands down is brooklyn. He'll just look at her with this awe struck grin. She is extremely protective of him now. She loves to introduce anyone she meets to her "baby brother benjamin". The other day at grandmas she said excitedly "gram, this is my baby brother benjamin, do you want to meet him?".

The other night we went to Jack's last basketball game and then to dinner with Chuck, Lisa and Buff. Brooklyn looked at lisa and said "gramma lisa, can you come play at my house?" which began the dialogue about what they will do when they come over to play. She got so excited, saying "we'll play dress up and watch a movie and have yummy treats" and lisa said "you know who would love to play dress up with you? grandpa". Brooklyn paused, looked across the table and said "gwampa...you're too big for my dress up!". We all laughed so hard.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

Brooklyn has a bug...and it is nasty. We haven't slept in three days, she has a hacking cough that would give a chain smoker a run for their money, fever that will not dismiss itself, and, did I mention c.r.a.n.k.y?

That's all, just trying to survive this week. My big outing thus far was to target to pick up some cough syrup, where I got several looks like "why did you bring your sick kid out". My bad, probably should have let daddy pick it up...but I needed to see the outside world.

The saddest part is we know 3 other little one's who have the same bug. I am just extremely grateful Ben does not have it, nor matt and I, but benny boy is the one I was worried about. Chest colds + babies = scary.

I am officially ready to be done with cold and flu season. Seriously, go away, good riddance, leave me alone!!!

Rant complete-will update with some "real stuff" when we are healthy again.

exhale

Today I spoke to a group of amazing mommies (about 50) at my mops (mothers of preschoolers) group. The title of this post is expressing my sigh of relief to have it over with, but even more so my sigh of awe at God all over again.

My dear friend Amy, who leads the mops group I attend, asked me back in October if I would be interested in speaking the week the topic is "loss". I, without hesitation, said yes. You see, I made a deal with God way back when, that whatever He chose to do with this testimony of mine I would follow. That unfortunately includes speaking in front of people from time to time. I agreed in October and then had 5 months to forget about it. So, these past several weeks I have spent a lot of time in prayer, reminiscing, asking questions of other women who have experienced miscarriages, infant death and infertility (there are a lot of similar emotions) and following up on some unfinished grieving. It has been good for me. With all the hustle and bustle of my life right now, it is very easy for me to fall into the pattern of taking my children for granted. I re-read emails, journal entries, prayer lists I made in the thick of the storm and the recurring theme was...if I am blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a child at the end of a pregnancy, I will be forever thankful. I was blessed x2! Yet, there are days where I flat out forget that. *Shaking head in shame*

I was a nervous wreck to say the least today. My hands were trembling, my mind was racing. Did I mention I HATE public speaking? It went well (or so I was told :) and tonight I had a chance to read through the thank you notes each table wrote. I was a little taken aback by the responses. Women thanking me for my honesty, transparency and vulnerability. I realized I can't NOT be transparent and vulnerable (and emotional) when talking about my babies. I just can't. It is such a core part of who I am now- not how I am defined- but my very being is different because of the brokenness I have felt. For a long time I felt damaged, my body failed me, I failed my babies, then followed guilt, anger, frustration (the list goes on and on) but in speaking today I realized I don't feel that way at all anymore...not even a trace. I feel humbled and thankful.
God isn't interested in my glory; He's interested in using me for His.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you: 1Peter 4:12

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours". Mark 11:4

I will sign off with a picture of my living breathing blessings. Nothing worth having comes easy.

My Life is but a Weaving

My life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow,
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not 'til the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

Ben is 3 months old!

Ben is three months old today. We have turned a major corner in the past month with the reflux. He still has "off" days, but for the most part he's outgrown it just like everything I read and our pediatrician told me he would.
He's a big baby, long and solid! His eyes are the same bright blue as Brooklyn's. He is sleeping so much better these days (thank you Lord) so we are all doing better in that department.
Ben is really a pretty easy baby- he prefers to be held- but what baby doesn't. He won't take a bottle at all anymore, so that is a little limiting for me, but I'm okay with it.

What a joy you are Benjamin Matthew. We love you so much and already can't remember life before you rounded out our little family. Thank you for your smiles, giggles, spit bubbles and your heavenly smell.

We love you!!

mommy, daddy and beany

say ahhhhh

I am soooooo in love with this little face

I swear she owns more clothes, she is OBSESSED with this dress. Matt and I were kidding around the other day that she is going to be annoyed with me some day because all her pictures are of her wearing this dress, when it's her little determined personality that wants THIS particular dress on first thing every morning. Pink shirt, red and grey plaid dress, charcoal grey tights with polk a dot socks and of course the gold "shiny shoes". She was on a very important call here and kept saying to me "mom, you don't talk when I'm talking okay?" Ummm, ok ma'am.

She fell asleep with her valentines card from mimi and papa

Brooklyn had her first dentist appointment on Monday. She did great! Well, up until the end, but can't blame her. I don't enjoy the dentist office much myself.

Rockin her shades

She got to pick out her own cool sunglasses and her color toothbrush and stickers! Doesn't get much better. Oh, yes it does. She knew there was a special treat waiting for her in the car once she was done.

So, good news is no cavities, bad news is we have to start flossing. Matt asked if they sent us (her parents) home with a rx for pain killers since just trying to brush her teeth is enough to drive us to drink ;) She realllllly isn't a fan of teeth brushing so I can only imagine how flossing is going to go over.