A beautiful spring day to have a baby

I'm sitting here in the hospital all alone for a few moments while Matt picks up some lunch. I've never had a delivery where they let me eat! (My final meal choice- burger and fries. Mmmm)

We checked into the hospital at 8, and my contractions have slowly begun. Labor hasn't started, just a few minor "preparation" contractions from the misoprostal they have administered. Should know more by later this afternoon!

I am trying my very hardest to remember every sense, smell and wave of emotion I am experiencing on this extremely climatic day. So I wanted to write down my thoughts while I'm having them.

Matt and I talked a little last night while having dinner in our new house (oh ya- on top of all the baby to-do we closed on our house and moved in Wednesday) about how this is the final chapter in a very long and very intense emotional roller coaster of an EIGHT year story. Yes- eight years ago was when we found out we were pregnant (actually it was in April!) and then lost that baby in June at ten weeks. Now, here I lay, anticipating the arrival of my third and final child. I always hate saying that, because it's not my third, it's my eighth. Those lives that were taken too soon should always be recognized with love. They were my children, and have shaped me by their tiny heart beats into the mother I am to Ben and Brooklyn (& Levi). I digress, I just can't quite fathom that this part of our story is ending. My heart aches and breaks at the words I am writing, but I explode with joy and gratitude deep inside for all I have. Far, far more than I ever thought possible. My life passage for so long was "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. " James 1:2-8 

I clung to this like water in a desert. I trusted all along that the Lords plan was far better than my own. I trusted that He longed to give me the desires of my heart. To fulfill the longing to be a mother that He and He alone created inside of me. I just never wanted to wait or slog through the trenches of D&C's, positive pregnancy tests that I knew would potentially let my hope turn to despair, trying again only to brace myself for a loss. Waiting is where pain and growth collide to produce great fruit...but IN the midst of it, all it feels like is wanting something out of reach and feeling helpless to get that. I am so thankful for this testimony I have. I will probably never understand all of it, but I don't need to understand it, I have to love it and the creator of the story He has written for me. 

Today I am extremely reflective and appreciative of Gods faithfulness of this family He has given me.

I will give birth one final time with joy! I will walk away with another precous babe in my arms and open a fresh book with pages as white as snow and allow the story to unfold in this new chapter of the next book of our lives- Matt, Brooklyn, Ben, Levi and myself. There will still be that sense of emptiness on this last page. Every great story leaves such a feeling of satisfaction, but also an sense of loss that it's finished...because it was THAT good and rich. I am thankful to have a rich, meaningful, heart wrenching story to share. Thank you God. I will sign off now to go have this baby boy.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

Final Vacation as a Family of FOUR

A love letter to daddy

On a drizzly Tuesday in February the kids and I had the idea (stolen from someone more creative at some point by me) to make cards, pictures and a video as a surprise for Matt when he got home from work. The best part was his reaction (which I wish I had a video of) when he watched this video. Tears filling his eyes, he was beaming from the inside out. I will treasure this video forever. My favorite part is Ben saying matt is the best at "bolleyball" and Brooklyn's improve song. Pretty darn good if you ask me, for making it up on the spot.

Ride on!

Brooklyn has mastered the bike!! This is such a monumental moment and we are bursting with pride.

We took the training wheels off last Summer and she lost interest very quickly. The weather changed and we didn't push her on it. These past few weeks as it has started to intermittently warm up she has asked to go practice. It really only took three days of working hard at it and she took off like a champ. Starting and turning are the only sticky points now. It's going to be a fun summer filled with bike rides! Come on summer, we are ready!

Beach day

I woke up this last Thursday and realized we have three weeks left before Levi arrives and the game is changed drastically. The forecast was sunny and dry, so I decided we would play hooky from at home responsibilities and head to the beach for the day, just B, B, and my 36 week pregnant belly. 

We made the right choice. It was a beautiful day. 

The beach was filled with jellyfish and I buried a few to avoid the kids accidentally stepping on them, that soon turned into an intense game of the kids screaming at the top of their lungs while out walking the shore line "mom!! Jellyfish!! Bury it!" 

We returned home with full hearts, sun-kissed cheeks and a bucket of sea shell remnants. Then I crashed at 8pm....because 36 weeks pregnant at the beach with 2 busy kids makes for a long day :)

Baby watch: 34 weeks

34 weeks and counting! 

There are so many updates I'm not sure where to start since I fell off the grid with updates.

We sold our house, we bought a house. We will have keys on the 1st of April and Levi is due on the 13th, but my dr said he won't let me go past 39 weeks...so on 4/2 (the day after we receive keys) I will head in to get scheduled for an induction. 

Holy moly! A newborn and a new house within days of each other. My head is spinning at the sweetness of Gods blessings. As stressful as it has been (& will likely continue to be) it's amazing and I'm awestruck. 

More to come soon. Promise.

Here I am again

I haven't formally announced my pregnancy...but there's only a hand full of you that read my blog anyway...so I feel comfortable writing my thoughts here.

We are pregnant. This sweet little pea pod is almost 12 weeks. We had an ultrasound last Thursday (a week ago tomorrow) and everything looked great. However, given my history, the security in a statement like that fades much sooner than the average woman. Which by the way (side note) I have concluded there are very few of out there. Pregnancy and all that comes with it (including trying to achieve it) comes with so many gut wrenching, heart aching, head dizzying, thought consuming elements it's down right terrifying. It's a roller coaster of constant hormones and emotions and at the end you just have to pray the results will be what you long for...a healthy child in your arms.

As I sit here waiting for the results of my lab work for the high risk screening, my thoughts wander back to Luke for the 900,000 time. I trust the peace God has placed on my heart that all is well in my womb and inside of this baby, but those thoughts of "what if" still creep in. Why? Because I've BEEN pregnant with a child who had abnormalities and lost his fight. I know the silence that comes from the professionals during an "abnormal" scan, I have been the one to draw the 1/50,000 odds of having a fetal abnormality. My heart remembers that pain so intensely that despite my head saying "stay focused, trust that all is right, don't let your thoughts go "there"", often I lose the battle and have to dig myself out of the trenches of my own thoughts.

Matt and I already love this little one so much. The kids already love and long for this littlest (and final) addition so much. We are on board with the craziness that will ensue. I need to cling to the promise that God keeps instilling in my heart- "all is well, I have a plan, and it is good. Trust me despite what you have seen and lived through". 

A quick story to finish this. The kids and I were driving last Wednesday (prior to my appt). I was spacing out thinking about my appt the following day and fearing that there may be no heart beat. Brooklyn from the back seat said to me "mom, will this baby not go to heaven like my brother Luke?" To which I said "my prayer is no, that we get to have this baby here on earth with is". She paused and replied "that's my prayer too. You are going to be so busy in heaven with all your babies mom!" Love these kids. So much.