Here I am again

I haven't formally announced my pregnancy...but there's only a hand full of you that read my blog anyway...so I feel comfortable writing my thoughts here.

We are pregnant. This sweet little pea pod is almost 12 weeks. We had an ultrasound last Thursday (a week ago tomorrow) and everything looked great. However, given my history, the security in a statement like that fades much sooner than the average woman. Which by the way (side note) I have concluded there are very few of out there. Pregnancy and all that comes with it (including trying to achieve it) comes with so many gut wrenching, heart aching, head dizzying, thought consuming elements it's down right terrifying. It's a roller coaster of constant hormones and emotions and at the end you just have to pray the results will be what you long for...a healthy child in your arms.

As I sit here waiting for the results of my lab work for the high risk screening, my thoughts wander back to Luke for the 900,000 time. I trust the peace God has placed on my heart that all is well in my womb and inside of this baby, but those thoughts of "what if" still creep in. Why? Because I've BEEN pregnant with a child who had abnormalities and lost his fight. I know the silence that comes from the professionals during an "abnormal" scan, I have been the one to draw the 1/50,000 odds of having a fetal abnormality. My heart remembers that pain so intensely that despite my head saying "stay focused, trust that all is right, don't let your thoughts go "there"", often I lose the battle and have to dig myself out of the trenches of my own thoughts.

Matt and I already love this little one so much. The kids already love and long for this littlest (and final) addition so much. We are on board with the craziness that will ensue. I need to cling to the promise that God keeps instilling in my heart- "all is well, I have a plan, and it is good. Trust me despite what you have seen and lived through". 

A quick story to finish this. The kids and I were driving last Wednesday (prior to my appt). I was spacing out thinking about my appt the following day and fearing that there may be no heart beat. Brooklyn from the back seat said to me "mom, will this baby not go to heaven like my brother Luke?" To which I said "my prayer is no, that we get to have this baby here on earth with is". She paused and replied "that's my prayer too. You are going to be so busy in heaven with all your babies mom!" Love these kids. So much.