I'm sitting here in the hospital all alone for a few moments while Matt picks up some lunch. I've never had a delivery where they let me eat! (My final meal choice- burger and fries. Mmmm)
We checked into the hospital at 8, and my contractions have slowly begun. Labor hasn't started, just a few minor "preparation" contractions from the misoprostal they have administered. Should know more by later this afternoon!
I am trying my very hardest to remember every sense, smell and wave of emotion I am experiencing on this extremely climatic day. So I wanted to write down my thoughts while I'm having them.
Matt and I talked a little last night while having dinner in our new house (oh ya- on top of all the baby to-do we closed on our house and moved in Wednesday) about how this is the final chapter in a very long and very intense emotional roller coaster of an EIGHT year story. Yes- eight years ago was when we found out we were pregnant (actually it was in April!) and then lost that baby in June at ten weeks. Now, here I lay, anticipating the arrival of my third and final child. I always hate saying that, because it's not my third, it's my eighth. Those lives that were taken too soon should always be recognized with love. They were my children, and have shaped me by their tiny heart beats into the mother I am to Ben and Brooklyn (& Levi). I digress, I just can't quite fathom that this part of our story is ending. My heart aches and breaks at the words I am writing, but I explode with joy and gratitude deep inside for all I have. Far, far more than I ever thought possible. My life passage for so long was "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. " James 1:2-8
I clung to this like water in a desert. I trusted all along that the Lords plan was far better than my own. I trusted that He longed to give me the desires of my heart. To fulfill the longing to be a mother that He and He alone created inside of me. I just never wanted to wait or slog through the trenches of D&C's, positive pregnancy tests that I knew would potentially let my hope turn to despair, trying again only to brace myself for a loss. Waiting is where pain and growth collide to produce great fruit...but IN the midst of it, all it feels like is wanting something out of reach and feeling helpless to get that. I am so thankful for this testimony I have. I will probably never understand all of it, but I don't need to understand it, I have to love it and the creator of the story He has written for me.
Today I am extremely reflective and appreciative of Gods faithfulness of this family He has given me.
I will give birth one final time with joy! I will walk away with another precous babe in my arms and open a fresh book with pages as white as snow and allow the story to unfold in this new chapter of the next book of our lives- Matt, Brooklyn, Ben, Levi and myself. There will still be that sense of emptiness on this last page. Every great story leaves such a feeling of satisfaction, but also an sense of loss that it's finished...because it was THAT good and rich. I am thankful to have a rich, meaningful, heart wrenching story to share. Thank you God. I will sign off now to go have this baby boy.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
