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There are times, seasons where God reminds me everywhere I look of my long, amazing, rough journey to becoming a mother. The past few days have fit that pattern. Yesterday I made an impromptu trip to a park we never go to. I knew the kids needed some fresh air, so on the way home from the store I just decided to stop. There was another mom and her little guy there. One thing led to another and we ended up talking the entire time I was there. She asked how far apart B & B were and then said they were trying. She very openly told me she had been pregnant but lost the baby. Well, you know me...not shy at all, so I asked one simple question to see if she wanted to talk about it and the flood gates opened. She lost a baby boy at 16 weeks very suddenly. We shared both our stories and then she said "I am glad to know there's hope". She and her husband are now having trouble getting pregnant again, and she was feeling discouraged. I drove away with a heavy heart, yet encouraged...if that makes any sense.

Luke had already been on my mind...I was talking last week with some friends and mis-spoke when telling a story about ben, calling him luke. I felt foolish of course, but sometimes that just happens.

Yesterday I got a text from one of my closest friends, who is due in a matter of weeks, that her baby is measuring on the small side and they have ordered an ultrasound to take a closer look. My heart knows all is well, as this baby, like mine is a miracle child and God has huge plans for her...but in my pleading prayers to him since I got the text I have been experiencing only what I would imagine post traumatic stress would be like. Flash backs to the times I have laid on the examining table and heard the word's "I'm sorry" or "there's nothing we can do", "this doesn't look normal" or the dreaded "there is no heartbeat". If I could make it so no one every had to worry about their unborn baby I would. If I could take the pain of every stranger or friend who has lost a child; and still feels hopeless or alone, I would. BUT I know God uses these moments and seasons of "unknown" to teach us to trust Him completely. To rest in His goodness and peace.

The song blessings by laura story came on today in the car.
"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy and what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise."

Listening to that verse of the song while driving the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I kept thinking about Luke, what if he had lived? What if he had beat the odds that were stacked against him, then what? Would he have lived in the hospital for the duration of his life? Would he have been able to come home after surgery? Would he have had any semblance of a "normal" life? My greatest disappointment will always be that he and the other babies we lost are not here, that they will never smile at Brookyn the way Ben does. But...it is amazing to see God still using my disappointments and the achings I've experienced to pray more for others and find fresh appreciation for His mercy.